You can let go

You don’t get it.
You don’t get how much it scares me, watching you with her, dreading the moment you’ll pull her tight, kiss her lips and breathe in her ghastly beauty. It terrifies me, that grip she has on you, like the grip of death to hospital rooms, like the grip of grief to cemeteries, she holds on to you, relentless like the cold on to cadavers, like the shiver freezing up my spine.
Her hair, the dull of all that is gray, to you a million silver linings. Vacant eyes glaring, and you peek back to brand new possibilities. Her lips, cracked like barren land, yet you’ve managed to find shelter under every rock. Skin so ashen it’s barely there, still manages to illuminate yours with renewed bliss.
Your corpse bride, scalding your cheeks, burning your lips into a smile and suffocating your mind. Spinning, into an endless whirlwind till you drown in her aura, so thick is the smoke around you my dear, you have become a mere haze. You’ll kiss her I know, kiss her every chance you get, breathe her in, let her invade your lungs, make it her shrine, reminding me that you’re not all mine, reminding you that you’re not all yours, reminding us, that there is no queen here but her. No right-hand men, no council, no advisers, just her. And you, an obedient lover.
You don’t get that you can walk away, you can run, sprint and break free. Run like you are chased by death, a thousand times over I’ll cheer you on.  You don’t need to wait till you have to cough her out, because darling, that cigarette will not hesitate to pull your soul along with it.

 

Letter to the heavens

Dearest Eha,

Every single day I hear people saying ” I miss you” to each other, after a day or two maybe a hundred days of being apart, and I’m always mumbling to myself ” You have no idea what that means” They have no clue what it feels like to lose someone. They don’t know what its like to miss Eha.

Today, I listened to a song you gave me to listen to back in 2011. I cried. Hard. And then I remembered your mother’s funeral – God bless her soul- I remembered how strong you were. I remembered that time we had skipped a lecture to sit and chat in the sun, when you told me about the day she passed, I cried and you told me not to, and to be thankful that she’s not suffering anymore. I am. I am thankful that you both aren’t suffering from this ugly life you’ve left behind.

Your strength astounds me. And I calmed myself down, smiled and held your memories in the most cherished corners of my heart. Just like you would want

I miss you. Plain and simple and so profoundly painful. Sometimes it’s difficult to believe that you are actually gone, not a phone-call away anymore. Our memories flood me and I drown in them, daily, only to be saved by you. Your voice in my head telling me to stay strong. And I will. It’s difficult to talk about you, with anyone. No matter how close no matter how understanding. You really are one of a kind. Words would never do you justice my friend.

You dreamed of “para , para , paradise ” , Glad that you’re living the dream, though you are sorely missed.

With all the love, Hala.